How does 4 November 1999 sound?3

"How does 4 November 1999 sound?"3.20am Burst through doors of Queen's College Hospital, ignoring shouts of "visiting hours are over," from sleepy orderlies. Ring bell reluctantly and small man in dressing gown comes to door with baseball bat "I'd like very much to give up smoking," I tell him. Wonder if this is because I'm about to be sustain an injury in South London drugs-related shoot-out.1.50am Stop off at v posh house in surburbia "Okay, motherfucker," says Tupac. "Go and knock the door and say you need help." It seems house belongs to Dr Alan Carr, the world's biggest kicking-smoking expert. He shoves me into passenger seat of his BMW, then produces the leftover duty frees "Next person comes along, you hand them them over," he says I gulp "What if they're a small child?" I ask, reasonably Tupac looks stern. "Okay, if they're under 16, don't hand them over." Try to give fags to poor cyclist who looks like has just been handed a kilo of heroin "Er, I don't smoke," he says, sheepishly Tupac glares at him. "Dammit, we're gonna kick this shit," he says.1.30am: BMW takes off at high speed as night starts to take even more surreal spin "Erm, I take it I've been kidnapped," I say Tupac explains we're going to the hospital.

"How many cigarettes you got in your pockets, motherfucker?" Shake head and do empty-pockets gesture, knowing full well there are three emergency B&H in a ten pack in my jacket pocket.12.05am: WHAM! Am slammed up against Tupac's BMW as he fishes inside pockets to produce offending tobacco. "Goddam junkie!" he shrieks, grinding them into the pavement with a massive Nike trainer. So we're going out on the streets and we're going to kick together. Right?" About to ask him how he got into flat, especially when he was reported dead in Las Vegas shoot-out in September, but decide wiser not to argue with 7ft gangster. 12.04am: "Right!" barks Tupac. Just one last, lovely fag - a smooth and sultry Marlboro Light - for old times' sake.

12.02am: Notorious gangster rapper Tupac Shakur bursts into bedroom "Right, listen here, motherfucker," he says "You're going to kick And you can't kick alone. Have just smoked self silly while watching gangster-coming-off-heroin film, Gridlock'd and now am going to sleep. First thing tomorrow morning am taking the remaining cigarettes from duty free stash out into street and will give them to first smoker I see. Designs are exclusive to the Cyberdog label and include UV light-responsive, zip-tastic tops and alien-nation trousers. Sculptures made of micro-chips, batteries and abandoned electronics by resident artist Vincent Jo-Nes provide diversion Cyberdog, 9 Earlham Street, London WC2, 0171 836 7855. Sunday 12.01am: Right This is it The end of a beautiful relationship with cigarettes It's over Finished We mean nothing to each other any more. With a genuine cyberdog (made of a Hoover, giant shades, helmet and recorded voice) on guard on the door, bouncy playground- style Tarmac inside and a soundtrack of banging tunes ("strictly techno") this boutique would make your granny feel like clubbing.

Leading the way are Spiros Vlahos and Terry Davy, who are living out their space and technology fantasies through Cyberdog, an audacious mongrel of clothes shop, dance floor and Quasar unit. From 23-year-old director Gael Morel.Up 'n' Under (12; nationwide from Fri). Neil Morrissey, Tony Slattery, Samantha Janus, and the rest of the latter-day Carry On team are the ones with the odd-shaped balls in this rugby comedy based on John Godber's Hull Truck stand-by.The Winner (15; in London from Fri). Disowned by its director Alex Cox after it was recut without his consent, this gambling-table fable stars Rebecca DeMornay and Billy Bob Thornton.. Club-gear has long outgrown the simplicity of Smiley T-shirts and Vick Inhalers to embrace a more high-tech future. Based on a true story.A Toute Vitesse (no cert; in London from Fri). A tale of young lust and racial prejudice set in rural France.

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